So why did I choose the title “Too Many Minds“?
Lately my bipolar disorder has changed it’s course. Instead of having long periods of depression, hypomania, and “normalcy”, my moods have been cycling constantly throughout the day. Never heard the term “Hypomania”? I’ll explain it to you. Being totally manic means irrational behavior, impulsiveness, erratic energy, and all accompanied by thoughts like “I’m on a roll!” Hypomania is a bit different. I’m doing the impulsive things (ie, my boyfriend found me on the bathroom floor writing poetry at 3am) but my thoughts have been consistently saying, “What are you doing? Calm the fuck down.” I’m in bed till 3pm, and then I’m bouncing off the walls. I’m happy; I’m sad; Suddenly anxious; And totally irritable. Too many moods in one head, impossible to control.
And let’s not ignore the creative energy. Can anybody possibly do all of these things at once?! Playing the piano, fine, but now I’ve decided to learn clarinet. Devouring books like potato chips, suddenly deciding “I am a writer”. Painting and sketching, and painting. Rearranging my entire apartment. Poetry, short stories. So many personas in one head.
So yes, readers, as of late, I find I have too many minds to be able to control them. My mindset changes faster than I can even type this. I spend my nights wildly doing anything artistic, then zonk out on my meds, spend my mornings unable to get out of bed until I drink an entire french press of coffee. I’m not even sure who I am anymore. It’s scary, but there’s hope– I know I’ll gain control again.
But even then– I’ll always be the multiple artist. One body simply can’t contain so many various minds. It’s not like I’m Sybil, with multiple personalities. I am definitely singular, yet scattered. One personality, one spirit, one heart, but yes, just Too Many Minds.