Poetry Monday #1: “Hope Less, Sleep More”

This poem was written in the depths of depression, with just an inkling of hope in my mind. (Circa 2012 by Gabriel Corona)

Hopeless, Sleep More

The practical pair:
Hopeless and Sad.
I keep them around
Cause they’re not all that bad.
There’s a comfort I find there
In being sad.
That comfort, I’ve found,
Well, it’s not all that bad.
Between the sound and the silence,
There’s nothing I lack.
Between the notes and the smoke,
I can finally relax,
Lay my head down and dream
About cocaine and smack.
Cause being hopeless is just
A prelude to relapse.

It might sound sad when I say
That I’m content to remain
Hopeless. But it’s not,
It’s a comforting thought.
That hopelessness, see,
At least to me,
Is a defense mechanism.
A comfortable nest.
It’s not at all like a prison,
It’s a down feather bed.
Where after my days of sorrow and woe,
I can lay down my head, and just let go.
I’m numb;
It’s number.
It’s cum.
It’s comfort.
It’s dumb;
I’m dumber.

If I
Can get through
Today
Without slitting my wrists,
Swallowing pills,
Or jumping off cliffs,
Doing things that can kill,
Taking suicide risks,
Then I guess
That I’m here
To stay.

Hello World, My Name Is Gabe

My name is Gabriel Corona, but please call me Gabe. In this introductory post, I would like to tell you a bit about myself, and what I hope to achieve as a blogger.

I am 21 years old and I now live happily in Cincinnati, OH. My roommate is my best friend in the world, and I have found my Prince Charming. It wasn’t always this way, though.

1)  Homosexuality, 2) Heroin Addiction, 3) Mental Illness

I grew up in eastern Ohio, on the border of West Virginia. People there were close-minded, and it was hard to grow up gay in a redneck area. The pain I felt, always turned inward, made me gravitate towards art. Unfortunately, I also gravitated towards drugs. First pills, then heroin, and at the age of 16 I was addicted to the needle. I used poetry to express my feelings of hopelessness, and I poured my heart out onto piano keys. My parents were not in the picture, and I grew up without guidance. I learned to become intimate with myself, and become self-sufficient with affection. My best friends were characters in my favorite books and movies, and all of my love affairs were sad and unrequited. My teenage years were full of grief, and despair, and underneath it all was a growing, undiagnosed illness.

Anyway, I’m proud to say now that I am 15 months free of addiction, but the trouble doesn’t end there. I have a slew of mental illnesses: severe bipolar disorder, seasonal affective disorder, insomnia, and generalized anxiety disorder. Treatments vary, and I take comfort in family and friends, but still, my best companion is myself, and my art.

I fancy myself a jack of all trades, and yet a master of none. I have played the piano for 13 years, I write poetry, attempt to write short stories, and I love to paint and sketch.

What I intend to post here is a collection of everything. Ideally, I will post on a schedule of sorts. You will find poetry of mine, piano performance videos, my stabs at writing complete stories, and photographs of my paintings, including works in progress, and my artistic process. I will probably write more about my history, the traumatic things I endured. More importantly than that, I intend to use this blog as a public journal of sorts: reflections on my mental illness day by day, and the myriad treatments I go through. What I hope to accomplish is to reach out to people who suffer in the same ways as I– to pass the message that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

The ideal outcome of my blogging would be to direct attention to my art gallery, and maybe procure some potential clientele. Also, a place where my poems and stories may be read by interested publishers. And a place where people who battle internal demons may find some remedy.

If you love art of all sorts, and if you need to find comfort in your depression, anxiety, mood swings, or worse, please follow me. I would love to be there for you, and I would love your feedback.

Looking forward to meeting you all,

Gabe